Uniquely Kiwi

Top 10 things that are peculiarly unique to this these twin isles:

1. Being so far away from literally everything, even the next town, let alone the majority of the world's population. As a result, you get things like Afghan biscuits, a sort of chocolate cookie that has a walnut on top, thus making it look like an Afghan (in one of those hats). The Kiwis get away with this because as far as I can see, there are no Afghan people here. It's too far to come.

2. Self-deprecating humour. 'Moro: probably about the 4th best chocolate bar in NZ.' L&P (fizzy drink): 'World famous in NZ since ages ago.'

3. L&P, Pineapple Lumps, kumara chips: food stuffs the rest of the world just don't give a shit about, because they already have something better (Coke, normal chocolate, potato chips).

4. EFTPOS. Stands for something like 'electronic f-something terminal point of sale'. Means a cash card, but that's what everyone uses instead of cash or a card. It's not like a debit card tho, cos you can't buy things online. The Kiwi banks have only just introduced those.

5. A strange array of place names. From Coromandel to Mangonui and Whenuakite ("fen-oo-ah-kee-tay").

6. A misplaced sense of irony: 'we're going tramping in the bush this weekend.'

7. False pride: 'NZ's premier theme park!' No, NZ's *only* theme park. 'The only ... in the southern hemisphere!' That's because there's fuck all in the bottom half of the globe.

8. A curious love of reggae, despite no Jamaican heritage and no easily discerned punk movement.

9. The worst TV and radio ads in the world, particularly the healhy eating, DIY and sheep dip info-mercials.

10. Single lane motorways. Want to get somewhere fast? Nope, sorry, State Highway 1 isn't even a dual carriageway most of the way.

Hmmm... A x